So, I read the book "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep--Love" back in 2022. I had just re-entered the dating scene and was on a self-discovery journey, which meant I needed to better understand how I function in relationships.
The great thing about this book is that no matter what your attachment style is, there is no judgment. The book is essentially a guide to help you better understand what you seek in relationships in order to feel safe, happy, and secure. There are multiple times in the book when the authors stop to reinforce this point: There's nothing wrong with you. You simply developed an attachment style based on your life experiences, and in order to seek a fulfilling, loving relationship, it requires attracting someone who has a compatible attachment type. When we find someone with a compatible attachment type, it makes security, independence, closeness, and compromise so much easier.
Within the book, you are encouraged to take the relationship quiz to determine your attachment style. The quiz in the book is pretty lengthy, so I developed a shorter version that will give you an initial idea of the attachment style you most likely display.
Take the quiz below!
Attachment Style Quiz
Instructions: For each statement, indicate how much you agree or disagree on a scale of 1 to 5, where:
1 = Strongly Disagree
2 = Disagree
3 = Neutral
4 = Agree
5 = Strongly Agree
I am comfortable being close to my partner.
I often worry that my partner doesn’t really love me.
I prefer not to show others how I feel deep down.
I find it easy to trust my partner.
I need a lot of reassurance from my partner.
I prefer not to depend on others.
I am comfortable sharing my deepest thoughts and feelings with my partner.
I fear being abandoned by my partner.
I value my independence in relationships.
I often feel unsure about my partner’s feelings for me.
Scoring:
- Add up your scores for statements 1, 4, 7, and 10. This is your score for the Secure attachment style.
- Add up your scores for statements 2, 5, and 8. This is your score for the Anxious attachment style.
- Add up your scores for statements 3, 6, and 9. This is your score for the Avoidant attachment style.
Attachment Styles In Real Life
Okay, now that you have taken the quiz and identified your attachment type, let's talk about what those styles might look like in real life. The book gives TONS of examples of traits, behaviors, and attitudes for each attachment type. I am only going to provide you with a few. While I cannot stress enough just how important it is to dive into the book to truly understand your attachment style, here’s a quick look at the different attachment styles and what they might look like in real life:
Secure Attachment
Example: Jane feels comfortable sharing her feelings with her partner and trusts that they will be there for her.
Traits/Habits
- Open communication
- Balanced independence and closeness
- Supportive and responsive in relationships
People with a secure attachment style are usually confident in their relationships. They can communicate their needs and feelings well and are comfortable relying on their partner.
Anxious Attachment
Example: Sam often worries that their partner doesn’t love them as much as they do and needs frequent reassurance.
Traits/Habits
- Seeks constant validation
- Fears abandonment
- Might become clingy or overly dependent
If you have an anxious attachment style, you might crave closeness but also worry a lot about rejection and abandonment. You might need a lot of reassurance from your partner and can sometimes be overly dependent.
Avoidant Attachment
Example: Alex likes to keep emotional distance and often feels suffocated if their partner wants too much intimacy.
Traits/Habits
- Values independence
- Avoids deep emotional connections
- Might pull away when relationships get too close
With an avoidant attachment style, you might prioritize your independence and feel uncomfortable with too much closeness. Keeping emotional distance and struggling to form deep connections can be common.
Anxious-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment
Example: Casey wants closeness but also fears it, often sending mixed signals to their partner.
Traits/Habits
- Inconsistent behavior
- Struggles with trust and intimacy
- Might experience intense emotional highs and lows
If you have an anxious-avoidant (disorganized) attachment style, you might have a mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors. You might feel conflicted about intimacy, wanting closeness but also fearing it, leading to unpredictable behavior in relationships.
Conclusion
In conclusion, understanding our attachment styles is a powerful tool for personal growth and building healthier relationships. By recognizing our patterns of behavior, we can make conscious efforts to improve communication, trust, and intimacy. While the insights from books like "Attached" are invaluable, it's crucial to approach them with a focus on self-discovery rather than using them to analyze or change our partners. Remember, the journey of understanding ourselves is ongoing, and each step we take toward self-awareness brings us closer to deeper connections and greater fulfillment in our relationships. So, let's embrace this journey of self-discovery, take the attachment style quiz, dive into insightful books, and continue growing into the best versions of ourselves.
Cheers to healthier, happier relationships!
Jessica Nichole, PhD
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